Today, my mother interrupted my 3rd viewing of August Rush, a movie in which Jonathan Rhys-Meyers still manages to be beautiful nearly a decade after Bend it Like Beckham. The conversation went something like this:
Mother: I need you to go on an errand with your father.
Me: ...
Mother: I need you to get Easter presents for your Nana and Aunt Kathy. Go to that store in town that sells those silver napkin holders, you know the place I'm talking about, right? The one next to the bank and the nail salon? I was thinking that you could get some of those weights to go on top of the napkins, maybe some beachy ones? Make sure they're silver or else they won't match. Nana and Aunt Kathy like blues and yellows. Make sure the napkin holders are nice because they always get you something.
Me: Okay.
(Some Background Information: My mother is ailing and therefore cannot go out herself due to a combination of bathrobe and Lyme Disease.)
How harmless could this be, I thought to myself. I knew exactly what she wanted me to buy; they were little trinkety things from a store only good for housewarming gifts and Lilly Pulitzer ties. Welcome to New England, darlings.
Upon arrival at said store, Father and I poked around for a few moments before stumbling upon the much-coveted napkin holders. Lo and behold, they even had clam-shaped weights lying on a conveniently adjacent table. I replaced some hideous blue and green thatch-patterned napkins with a blue and white scroll one, which complimented the mollusk weights nicely. As Father and I were perusing the Venetian glass window display, we were accosted by two women in their mid-fifties who managed to look aggressive even while wearing Vineyard Vines sweaters.
Woman 1: "Excuse me, but you're not allowed to switch out those napkins."
Woman 2: "The manufacturer ships them to us to be sold for $44.50, and all three pieces - the holder, the napkin, and the weight - need to stay together."
Me: "Well, it's the same brand of weight-"
Woman 2: "Were they taped together?"
Me: "No."
Woman 2: "Well, you can only buy the correct napkins with these holders."
Me: "These napkins were on the same display as the-"
Woman 1: "Oh, those are just some inserts. Sometimes people like to buy more napkins separately so they don't have to re-purchase the whole set for $44.50. You know, if you want, you can buy the sets and then buy some more napkins to put in them."
Me: "I don't think it's worth it, they'll run out of napkins fairly soon anyways."
Woman 1: "True, very true."
I live in a society ruled by cocktail napkins.
That is all.
come down from your fences, and open the gate. 
